Saturday Morning

And I know that it’s a wonderful world
But I can’t feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now

-Wonderful World by James Morrison (Songs for You, Truths for Me)

Waking up on a Saturday morning is usually painful. It’s either because of a drunken Friday night or simply because the past five days have been everything but good. This morning was not an exception, and how I wish the reason could have been alcohol. The past week was tiring, for some reason I can’t seem to understand. I’d like to call it semi-hell week, because I know the coming week is the real hell week, or perhaps, even the week after that one.

I woke up tired, with an aching back and a depressing mood. Define TIRED —-> sounds like SAD. Or perhaps, MAD. And so with all my rejuvenated strength I sat on my bed, checked my phone, and I gathered myself up. I looked at myself in the mirror, and saw those panda eyes again. Hello, eyebags. Will you ever disappear?

We are out of milk again, and I’m not in the mood to munch on cereals alone, so I resorted to coffee. I remember walking like a zombie (with panda eyes) with my green coffee mug in hand. I caught a glimpse of my little sister sitting near the

window, and so I joined her. A wonderful sky greeted me, and it made me smile. The clouds were really amusing, and watching them move across the perfect blue sky made me feel like a kid again. I always share this sky watching stuff with her. On summer nights we would sit by the huge window, look up the cloudless sky, and watch the stars do their thing. Come on April, don’t be such an ass. Bump March out of the calendar. Now.

I finished my coffee, and went to my messy desk. I checked the calendar, two weeks to go. I listed things to do for the week -activities, papers, projects, etc. I stared at the paper in disbelief. Damn, hell weeks ahead, indeed.

Thinking about the coming weeks, I suddenly remembered the past week, which as I have mentioned, was everything but fun.

MONDAy (8)

      The usual Econ class. I can’t remember what we discussed. Simon-speak —-> Forgettable. Haha.

      No Anthro class. We were so atat to go home, we answered the prof evaluation form quickly, right there on floor beside the door. Haha

      Tin and I went to hunt for that Deathrow DVD for Socio. Wala sa Rob, wala din sa Pedro Gil. Panic!

TUESDAY (9)

     DS discussion. Blah, blah, blah. Chika time with Nyn after.

     The usual Psych class. Kaantok.

WEDNESDAY (10)

     Went to UPM to get the DVD from Tin. We’re lucky nakahanap dad nya We stayed there in the lobby. Awkward moments because of you know who.  He was all over the place, and everytime he would pass by it felt really awkward. Buti na lang he wasn’t looking too good that day.

    We went to Rob. I bought mom her favorite from Breadtalk. Nobody’s home when I arrived. I was watching Deathrow  when mom came home. Sumakit daw tiyan nya because of the shocking scenes. I dozed off after. I woke up merienda time, had some snack, and then started on my Socio paper. I stayed up til 4:30 in the morning. I planned to jog, but I can’t find my shoes. I slept on and off for around an hour. It was weird, I thought a tree crashed down on our window, yun pala shadow lang ng halaman ng kapitbahay namin. Caffeine overload =hallucination?!

THURSDAY (11)

      Without even an hour of sleep, I proceeded to UP after editing and printing my final draft of the socio paper. It was crap, I’m telling you. We have to attend this forum on women sa LT, so I went, I signed on the attendance, stayed for around five minutes, and then I left. I went to lib to meet Tin and Nyn. Kwento-kwento about that polarizing picture #2, while Nyn was doing her paper. Lutang na ako.

     Lunch. You know who passed by. Wala lang. And then we went to Mercury to buy coffee. We ended up with Cobra. Went back to UPM, Nyn’s kwento time about her meet-up with ex. Haha. There’s something. Resistance to fall again, Nyn? Haha. We went to econ room, nag-agawan sa much-coveted seat sa dulo. Tin won. Haha. Inagaw ko yung seat ni Nyn. And then I don’t know what happened next. I dozed off to lala land. Tin woke me up, nandun na pala si sir. Deym, antok talaga ako. And then there was this five-minute break. We stayed in the restroom, trying to ward off sleepiness. Cobra was weird. Mas lalo lang akong naging lutang. We went back inside, and then the 2:30 joketime. Haha. Nagjoke si Nyn.  Knock knock atat na pusa. Sir didn’t get it. May be he was expecting an intelligent joke or whatever. Haha. And then the anana-banana-nana! joke. ^_^

    And then, the depressing stuff. Haha. Damn it. I don’t know if it was actually a good thing na nakita ko yun or what.

    Anthro class. Not in the mood to take down notes. Lutang na lutang na ako. Nakakahiya naman kay mam kung papikit-pikit ako, and so I went out. Tin followed me. We ended up seeing her. Whoa. Weird happenings. And then on our way back to anthro, you know who suddenly popped out of the scene. Damn it.

    Socio time. Kailangan tiisin ang kalutangan. Tin went to the restroom, and when she came back, alam na. I went out, nasa labas pa naman karamihan. And we ended up staying outside, chika time with Kristin. We went down to the lobby, and then on our way back, poof! Awkward moment number N.

    Pasok na kami sa socio around past 7 ata. Paidlip-idlip. And then uwi na.Internet for an hour or so, alam na, and then I hit the sack just right after midnight. Walang nagawang haiku. Hay.

FRIDAY (12)

    Aftermath of a depressing Thursday. I desperately needed sleep and rest. DS discussion. Weird, bigla na lang kaming naging active ni Tin. Haha. We were sort of really thinking about the questions. Haha. Nakakapanibago. As Nyn said, ganun daw ba ang epekto ng depression? Aktib-aktiban sa class. Ha. But it was fun. Kinabahan pa nga kami ni Tin sa dulo, sabi bigla ni sir ponsi, panahon na ng paghuhukom. Tapos biglang, “Be kind to animals.” Sabay labas ng room. Akala namin last man standing cheber! It turned out evaluation lang pala. Ayun. And then the knock knock jokes. INTERRUPTING STARFISH FTW! Yeah.

   We went to lib after. Book hunting for DS matrix. Everything was ok, joketime dahil kay Domar na bigla na lang sumulpot. And then someone came over, and then everything went cold. Nyn went out, I followed. I went back to check on Tin, and then poof! Ayun pala. Nakakahighblood.

And that was it. The week that was.

 ——————————————————————————————————

 It was tiring, depressing, everything bad, except for the knock knock jokes. Yey. It made up for the not-so-good stuff.

Waking up on a Saturday morning is usually painful. It’s either because of a drunken Friday night or simply because the past five days have been everything but good. This morning was not an exception, and how I wish the reason could have been alcohol. The past week was tiring, for some reason I can’t seem to understand.

Take Me Back

Mad Hatter: Alice, I dont know whats wrong with me, I cant remember why I’m here, I dont know anything I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, I—

Alice: Hatter!

Mad Hatter: (looks Alice straight in the eye) Alice, I’m scared. Have I gone mad?

Alice: I’m afraid so. Absolutely bonkers, my friend.

    (takes Hatter’s face into her hands)

    But let me tell you a secret. All the best people are.

03. 06.10

-Morning: Crammed working outline for Socio paper due on Thursday

- Afternoon: Watched Alice in Wonderland with Aby and Mira. The movie is just ok, Johhny Depp’s superb acting made up for the not-so-good screenplay/script. Then went to Divi, and ended up buying shorts.

When I got home everything went back into that normal madness mode again. I tend to overthink things and it makes me sad. And then I thought about my going-back-to-UPD plan, and I realized just how stupid I had been to have put myself in this situation.

And now it’s official. I’m applying for transfer back to Diliman.

An Econ Exam Aftermath

You know that feeling when you think you could have done better but then you would remember how you slacked off the whole day and totally enjoyed it… Yeah, THAT.

 It’s depressing, as if I could have done something about it. And that makes it more difficult. I daresay that if you know me all too well you can tell how I don’t bother over my grades as long as they are passing. I refuse to be grade conscious, simply because I do not believe that learning should be constrained by quantitative measures. However, the problem is, in a society where greatness is equated with an A+, it becomes easy for everyone to judge people just by looking at numbers.

I could be wrong, you could say I’m stupid, that I’m overthinking things, or that my logic is crooked and insane. My mind is churning out all these words right now, one after the other, as if it cannot hold on to these sentiments fast enough. Yes, I am depressed, because I felt guilty. I am depressed, because I think I might have screwed it up again.

See, if you are living on your second chance like me, you would understand why I feel this way over one unashamedly easy exam. I have gone through a lot of those moments when you know you would have known that the answer is B and not D, if only you have stayed a minute more on that notebook page and internalized the scribbles. I blamed myself a hundred times, and when everything fell out of its rightful place, I crashed. I stayed low, kept to myself, realized everything was my fault, but a bit of it was fate’s way of poking fun at me.

I messed me up. And then I asked for a second chance. It is then when I thought that I had it all, and I told myself that I was so stupid to leave it all behind. The second chance came, fortunately. But I do not believe in happy endings.

Second chances do not matter at times. People never change. Second chances do not work. It’s because people rarely, if never, change. And so if another chance at getting it right comes, it will be a useless opportunity for someone who, in the first place, didnt get that it is the “I” that is wrong.

See, that’s the whole story. Now next time someone tells me to not bother because I’m good, I might want refer him to this post, so he would know the story.

I am living on a second chance. So don’t tell me how to act after a depressing sir arcilla exam.

Odd Thoughts, Odd Days

The dark days are back.

I tried to focus. My head dangled over one arm of the rugged green sofa, my weary feet rested on the other. On days like this, nothing seems to make sense. Everything’s a blur. A lot of things run through my head, like financial figures and headlines that stream below the tv screen. It could have been a brilliant thing, to have ideas just come up in your mind, much more when it happens at random. But the way I see it… it seems like a curse.

The problem is, when things run through my mind like that, they all go too fast. In a flash. And most of the time I would fail to hold on to it. The idea would slip through my mind and I can’t hold it there, just like you can’t keep water on your hands. It’s frustrating to think that idea bulb just lighted up, and the next moment it’s busted. And this thing going on irritates me. It’s depressing. It consumes energy.

I crashed early last night, hoping it would be a good night’s sleep. The past week had been everything but relaxed.  And so I fell asleep. But shortly it started. I don’t know if I was awake or what, but in that momentary wakefulness, things started to bother my neurons. Hell, I sort of wanted to kick them out of my mind the way you get rid of crumpled pieces of paper on the floor What’s more irritating is that the ideas I caught glimpse of are that of haikus and the damned pictures.

 The dark days are back. Dark moods. Odd thoughts, odd days. When anti-anxiety medications don’t work anymore, I just hope for one thing. That my mind would shut off, even just for a night.