Take Me Back

Mad Hatter: Alice, I dont know whats wrong with me, I cant remember why I’m here, I dont know anything I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, I—

Alice: Hatter!

Mad Hatter: (looks Alice straight in the eye) Alice, I’m scared. Have I gone mad?

Alice: I’m afraid so. Absolutely bonkers, my friend.

    (takes Hatter’s face into her hands)

    But let me tell you a secret. All the best people are.

03. 06.10

-Morning: Crammed working outline for Socio paper due on Thursday

- Afternoon: Watched Alice in Wonderland with Aby and Mira. The movie is just ok, Johhny Depp’s superb acting made up for the not-so-good screenplay/script. Then went to Divi, and ended up buying shorts.

When I got home everything went back into that normal madness mode again. I tend to overthink things and it makes me sad. And then I thought about my going-back-to-UPD plan, and I realized just how stupid I had been to have put myself in this situation.

And now it’s official. I’m applying for transfer back to Diliman.

An Econ Exam Aftermath

You know that feeling when you think you could have done better but then you would remember how you slacked off the whole day and totally enjoyed it… Yeah, THAT.

 It’s depressing, as if I could have done something about it. And that makes it more difficult. I daresay that if you know me all too well you can tell how I don’t bother over my grades as long as they are passing. I refuse to be grade conscious, simply because I do not believe that learning should be constrained by quantitative measures. However, the problem is, in a society where greatness is equated with an A+, it becomes easy for everyone to judge people just by looking at numbers.

I could be wrong, you could say I’m stupid, that I’m overthinking things, or that my logic is crooked and insane. My mind is churning out all these words right now, one after the other, as if it cannot hold on to these sentiments fast enough. Yes, I am depressed, because I felt guilty. I am depressed, because I think I might have screwed it up again.

See, if you are living on your second chance like me, you would understand why I feel this way over one unashamedly easy exam. I have gone through a lot of those moments when you know you would have known that the answer is B and not D, if only you have stayed a minute more on that notebook page and internalized the scribbles. I blamed myself a hundred times, and when everything fell out of its rightful place, I crashed. I stayed low, kept to myself, realized everything was my fault, but a bit of it was fate’s way of poking fun at me.

I messed me up. And then I asked for a second chance. It is then when I thought that I had it all, and I told myself that I was so stupid to leave it all behind. The second chance came, fortunately. But I do not believe in happy endings.

Second chances do not matter at times. People never change. Second chances do not work. It’s because people rarely, if never, change. And so if another chance at getting it right comes, it will be a useless opportunity for someone who, in the first place, didnt get that it is the “I” that is wrong.

See, that’s the whole story. Now next time someone tells me to not bother because I’m good, I might want refer him to this post, so he would know the story.

I am living on a second chance. So don’t tell me how to act after a depressing sir arcilla exam.

Odd Thoughts, Odd Days

The dark days are back.

I tried to focus. My head dangled over one arm of the rugged green sofa, my weary feet rested on the other. On days like this, nothing seems to make sense. Everything’s a blur. A lot of things run through my head, like financial figures and headlines that stream below the tv screen. It could have been a brilliant thing, to have ideas just come up in your mind, much more when it happens at random. But the way I see it… it seems like a curse.

The problem is, when things run through my mind like that, they all go too fast. In a flash. And most of the time I would fail to hold on to it. The idea would slip through my mind and I can’t hold it there, just like you can’t keep water on your hands. It’s frustrating to think that idea bulb just lighted up, and the next moment it’s busted. And this thing going on irritates me. It’s depressing. It consumes energy.

I crashed early last night, hoping it would be a good night’s sleep. The past week had been everything but relaxed.  And so I fell asleep. But shortly it started. I don’t know if I was awake or what, but in that momentary wakefulness, things started to bother my neurons. Hell, I sort of wanted to kick them out of my mind the way you get rid of crumpled pieces of paper on the floor What’s more irritating is that the ideas I caught glimpse of are that of haikus and the damned pictures.

 The dark days are back. Dark moods. Odd thoughts, odd days. When anti-anxiety medications don’t work anymore, I just hope for one thing. That my mind would shut off, even just for a night.

Task of the Week

21st

What should we toast to?

 Last year’s birthday wish came true. A year later, I’m back on my own, stronger than before. More determined than ever. 

And as I blew the candles on my birthday cake, right out there on the street (because the manong @ Drews confiscated the cake!), I realized that there should be more to life than what I’m doing right now.

\Actually, I haven’t really thought about that. Haller, I was drunk, I threw up before the blowing of the candles and my vision’s too blurred to count if there really were 21 candles on the cake. Anyway, I think that was my best birthday celeb to date. My birthday week was hell, and to get all drunk up on a Friday night is the best reward.

Friday was looove. Got some nice and crazy bonding time with DevStud mates. It was an instant after-party. It was cool, got to know them more. There are two MaScians (08) in my class (Kristine and Pat), and drinking with them made me feel like I’m with my batchmates. Fellow shiftees Nyn and Tin (rhyming!) were in the drinking table as well… and everybody seems to be in party mode, shot after shot.

After that, I’m off to Diliman for round 2. I was tipsy by the time we left Niro, thanks to Nyn for helping me get there safe and sound.  I think I’ve found Aby’s UPM counterpart.

It was a blast with the dudes, as always. Old times. The red lights @ Drews are weird. Peejay and Bullet came in a little late, can’t deny the effort. I miss UPD. Seriously. Now I’m thinking of going back. Haha. I wanted to check out BA PublicAd…

And that was it. My 21st. Arggh. I’m getting old.

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.